You are mine
by Valkareni
Summary: An adaptation situated in modern times. Anne moved to a new city where she feels less haunted by the past, little she knows she just moved closer to confront her hidden fears.
1. Chapter 1

_Hello everyone, this is my first fanfiction. I apologize in advance for the mistakes involving grammar and/or orthography. My mother language is Spanish but the story haunting my mind comes in a defective English and I cannot help but to write it in a defective English as well. Besides, this could be a way of self-improvement. _

_I plan a long story so this is only introductory and is about some thoughts from our dearest Anne._

_Comments and suggestions will be appreciated._

_-_We have not seen each other in eight years. All of this time has certainly changed our life in very different ways. They have been flattering for him and wearing for me. But it is not an injustice of time but consequences of our behavior.

For a brilliant man with his will strength, it was certain time held mostly victories. He had a vast collection of interests and many sources of happiness. You would not like to feel yourself as the crawling snake, the vile presence that ruins it all, the cause of the first tears and courses you know coming from him. I wish he had been more indifferent then, I wish I had not broken two hearts but only mine.

I was a coward, as he called me.

It has never abandoned me, his presence, the estrangement of having lived what I lived with him and now to be destined not to meet him anymore. And the love I felt for him, it is now different and I may say, deeper.

It helps to the permanency of love if you break the heart of your lover. In doing so I´ve condemned myself to many sleepless night with a mind so useless except for the thought of him and the regret behind it.

I hope closure will come to me the day I find him engaged or married. I don´t know how will I bear the moment if the simplest fact of finding a recent picture of him makes my heart pound with violence. But I´ll bear it and, maybe just then, I will be capable of leaving this behind and keep just the good memories.

As for my life, I continued to be a coward. I left home many years after, not because I became brave but because leaving stopped being an act of bravery. I left because nobody else needed me anymore.

I left home for graduate school. It had been four years since I left college, three underpay jobs, two lovely nephews from Mary and several financial disasters, when I decided it was time to move on.

I studied languages at college, I´m capable of translating from French and German. I deserve some credit for the election of my profession because my love for books and because this occupation does not carry the responsibility of writing your own stuff, the stress of having your work, a bare sample of your talent to be judged by others. There is no much room for failure if you do some hard work and accomplish to finish on due dates. The translator is, in a way, just a witness. It takes some time to be a decent one but, then, I have had no distractions.

There is no much to do with my family situation, my father will continue to exceed his income. My aunt managed to convince him to buy a decent apartment as an investment, it is being rented and I fear it will be the only income they will have in a few years. Then, he and my sister Elizabeth will have to live with the consequences of their immoderations. But there is nothing else to do, any intent of reasoning with them leaves me wondering if we actually speak the same language. We already lost our home, the one where I spent my childhood; it was sold two years ago and the income from that sell, I´m certain, is about to be gone.

Now that I´m far from them, I find myself more frequently enjoying my days. To be in a new city, to be completely anonymous is quite enjoyable for a pathological introvert like me. I sometimes wonder if we had met in the actual conditions, would I have make the same impression on him as I did when I was 19, I wonder how would it turn out to be.

These daydreams of mine must not be misunderstood, I do not wait for him anymore nor do I wish to find him in this city. My daydreams are made of impossible fabric, set in some parallel universe where the miserable thing that happened here, never took place there.

My dreams concerning our encounter in this reality are plain nightmares.

There is fear in my nightmares. I´m certain I have not a chance with him anymore and I only wish not to find him again, I fear a meeting may end my doubt on his lack of forgiveness and confirm his rejection towards me. It would certainly be a damage I don´t know how many more years would take me to overcome.

_The title, by the way, comes from a song called "you are mine" by Mutemath. I think it just suits the mood of this story._


	2. Chapter 2

Nearly then months had passed since Anne departure. The second term finals were close, and to her aunt´s apprehension, the social circle of Anne was not altered in the least. Caroline Russell renewed her intention on changing Anne´s situation every once and a while, for example a Saturday morning, just when Ann was planning on spending the weekend on her own.

- Aunt Caroline ¿how are you? I was just going to call you after I finished a walk.-

- Anne, I´m very well but how are you doing dear?- her anxious tone seemed to say "Anne my life is resolved, let´s talk about the sad disaster that yours is"

- I´m very well too. A quite large amount of things to do for the weekend but, I´ve told you, graduate school has turned out to be more pleas….- but Caroline halted Anne´s attempt to sound jolly.

- Oh Anne, will you remain all weekend indoors again? -

- I´m actually out for a morning walk, as I said, and I plan on procrastinating a little on my duties, spend the day out, there is…- said Anne with a slight exasperation, readable in her gestures but not in her voice. She knew the direction of the conversation.

- Dear, going out to the grocery and wandering through bookstores does not count as a social life. Have you considered joining the literature circle I mentioned? You know William Russell attends to it, had you met him before your social life would already be richer-

- But now, as you know, I may soon leave for a long period. What use would it have to meet him now when it will be for a couple of times before I leave?. Maybe I should wait til my situation is more clear.

- Yes, maybe later. What harm is there in waiting? You said that months ago. Oh Anne, you take me as if we were just recent acquaintances. - Caroline did not care to hide the exasperation on her voice.

It was a little harder to get to a conciliatory mood, but Caroline valued too much her niece as to grieve on her disappointment. She changed the subject to Penelope Clay, the apparent substitute of Anne in Mr. Elliot´s home. Caroline assured Anne that the presence of the recent widow had been nor harmful neither helpful but she would keep an eye on it.

The phone call ended after nearly forty minutes, with the early disagreement on the subject of William Russell completely forgotten.

Anne had her doubts on the common things she could have with a successful lawyer or how could she be of any interest to him, a subjective judgment of her aunt on her qualities was the only explanation she could think of. Her aunt Caroline was the widow of Richard Russell, the head of prominent lawyers firm conformed by his brothers and nephews. William was Caroline´s favorite nephew-in-law, the only one "with a mind of his own, outside the family wishes"

- And since when are you fond of people with a mind of his own? Or do you find it desirable in men only?- asked Anne to her aunt, many months before that morning call, when the last details to her departure were taking place. Caroline was describing William´s virtues, oblivious to Anne´s sulkiness. The question had been mean and she immediately regretted it when she saw the distress in the delicate features of the older woman.

- I´m sorry, I know you mean well - said Anne immediately, soothing her initial bad mood.

- I´m only saying, my dear Anne,- said Caroline taking Anne´s hands in hers - William has honored the his family and its high expectations, but he is brilliant and respectable beyond his advantageous birth and position. Even surrounded by the bad example of his older brothers who have nothing but the name to recommend them.

- I know, I know what you mean. – Said Anne still remorseful for the mean tone used earlier. - But now, I only wish to arrive, settle and adapt to the new placeon my own. Maybe later I will consider your suggestion. If it is that William and I can become friends, that we have so much in common as you say, I don´t see the harm on waiting. -

-Very well, then. - answered Caroline leaving the topic behind. She smiled and hugged her- It´s just going to be hard to have you so far. I wish I could make it easier for you. - She saw straight in Anne´s eyes after releasing her with an inquiring gaze.

- It´s harder when I let you go with that look on your face and you do not tell me what it is that bothers you, you seem… the last couple of days I sense a subtle bitterness in your mood, in your manners, when you should be excited for this change. This is what you wanted.

Anne took a little pause while she managed to elaborate a lie.

-It is just that I leave feeling wary of how my father and Elizabeth will carry themselves now, and with that woman revolving around them, I don´t trust her, I think she´ll give the encouragement they need to be even more irresponsible.

-You´ve done what you had to do, Anne. Though it troubles me, we must accept it is a loss of your time to stay here, they won´t listen to you.

Anne stopped listening to her words of encouragement and reassurance. Her mind was in the real cause of the mentioned bitterness. She was determined to conceal it from her aunt and when she inquired now on her distraction Anne excused herself with a headache- Once Caroline left, with the promise of coming back the next day, Anne sat on her desk, looked around to the boxes, some filled, some empty around her room. Three days before, the places in that room evocated things to do, enthusiasm and excitement on the new to come.

She opened her lap top and observed the image that had unchained her bitter tone on her aunt and the apathy of the last couple of days. She had just covered it in time for her aunt to come in behind her sister Elizabeth, who had never developed the habit of knocking on the door.

It was a news section on a British College Hospital. They announced the selected doctors for a renowned neurosurgery fellowship to start a few months ahead. Frederick Wentworh was on the brief list of three.

She felt her pulse hammering in her temples. She had not seen a picture of him in years, the last one had been also in some graduation news when he received his Medical degree but she could barely distinguish him between dozens of students and family gathered in the picture. He was a private person and Anne imagined his occupations left no time for much virtual social interaction. Besides, Frederick had always preferred phone calls or letters when a personal encounter was not an option.

The photography Anne had repeatedly visited for the last three days since the discovery, showed him clearly. He looked different; he was just starting his thirties. She could clearly conclude time had changed him for the best in every aspect. There is no much you can get from a picture of a stranger, but that was not a stranger, she had learn once to read every one of his smiles and looks, the way he held his body when affected by anxiety, joy, boredom. And all she learned from him, she still remembered. There was some tedium and amusement on his gesture, one could guess, after watching the affected pose of the other male doctor in the picture, there was some disagreement on whether the ceremony of pictures and recognition was any relevant, the third one was an Asiatic woman with a serious look that seemed to share Frederick´s thoughts on the matter.

For a minute Anne was also happy. She remembered the days when his actual achievements were ambitions combined with anxiety. Then she turned out to see her room, back to her life.

All of a sudden her changes did not seem so important and her previous enthusiasm felt a little forced. The lack of purpose of the last years, the same years in which Frederick had ensured a bright future for him, fell heavy on her shoulders. Her change seemed too delayed and she felt old in that room.

A bitter mood took control of her until Caroline came, a small spill of the anger stored by Anne was enough to wake her form the self-pity party she was offering and restore it all to the best.

When Caroline left and she saw Fredericks face again, it was with a different mood. She took out a new diary. The original plan was to start it once in her new home but it felt necessary to satisfy the urge of the admission before letting the event behind.

_ 4 August, 2011_

_I wrote once about acceptance. I do not remember how consciously I chose the word but it certainly fits .It has nothing to do with resignation._

_Acceptance implies the realistic recognition of the facts to come and I knew there will be pain. I knew I could not stop looking for news about him and that sooner or later it would be painful. One day I may hear of his commitment or even marriage. I could, without any previous warning, stumble upon an image of him with another. How would my spirits endure something like that, when this little event was so poorly managed._

_I took myself out of the events as a victim and picked the villain to liberate my resentfulness._

_ I have not right to recriminate my aunt. It will add foolishness to my weakness. I know she loves me and her influence was the only possible reaction she could have._

_ Love and good intention do not ensure the best counsel. Even for the most permissive paternal authority, the departure of the son is too premature, the risks to take are too high and their role is to try and persuade against what they think harmful._

_ To rebel against them will demand responsibility of the consequences. My obedience, however, does not release me of responsibility. My aunt is blind to her prejudices but I was aware and free of them. I knew the man well enough as to know the imprudence she denoted in our intentions, was only product of her imagination. Still, I satisfied her, breaking his heart and losing my best chance of happiness._

_ I expect to have this words present whenever I decide to satisfy my curiosity for his events. Hopefully, if I avoid self-pit and wrong recriminations, the news on his life will have less impact and become, eventually, more endurable._

Anne read the first pages of her diary when she came back of the walk. It had been several months ago, June was about to begin and another pages had been written, all of them with a lighter heart. It helped that there had not been any news of him.

On the screen of his lap top, she found a new message from Elizabeth and in the phone a voice message from her sister Mary. She played Mary´s message first:

- Anne, have you received the news? We are visiting you. Well, not you, of course… there is no room for us in that small place of yours! We are staying with Charles parents. Can you believe Louisa already finished college? I thought she was much younger than you! She looks well, a lot better than Henrietta, but never mind, both of them get in such airs. Anne, you have to come! I cannot handle that conceited pair of girls on my own and Charles mother ill manners with me to go with it! Call me when you get this, is still three weeks away but I have so much more to tell you. Apparently Henrietta is in some sort of engagement, surprisingly her low expectation on men, well, call me later and I´ll give you details. Good bye.

Mary´s voice and intermittent laughs revealed her anxiety. She had a talent to imagine inattentions towards her. Anne could not see the contempt she talked so much about in Charles parents, they were quite tolerant with her sister. And Mary, oh Anne knew, Mary made tolerance a hard task.

Anne went for a glass of water and while drinking it, she remembered Elizabeth´s unread mail. She panicked. Mary did not specify who she meant by "we" in "we are visiting you". So she rushed to read the mail dreading the gathering of the whole family with the Musgrove.

_Dear Anne,_

_Father and I will be going to Bath for the next couple of months. We were invited by the Darlymple. We heard from Mary you will be spending your next vacations in London so we have just announced as three visitors. If, however, you decide to come, it will be necessary a proper announcement since, well, the invitation is originally or my father, me and my companion._

_Send our regards to the Musgrove._

_Elizabeth_

- I´m quite well, thanks for asking –said Anne to herself. Elizabeth managed to be too affected in ceremonies of visits and invitations, and yet lacked the very elemental kindness in her manners. This time, however, all terms of formality were well applied. If there were any people left as vane and pompous as her father, it was the Darlymple.

So it was decided, it will be London. They all imagined the distance between Anne´s little town and London was not a problem, it was not, but it would be nice that someone believed her when she said she was busy or considered she could have plans.

She remembered little of Louise and Henrietta. They were about six and five years younger than Anne. They had left a good impression on Anne even when they could never quite connect because of the age and the lack of common interests. If education had made a change on their pleasing manners, she hoped it was for the best. She could not think of one thing against them as her sister seemed to have since they were all younger.

Heading out, Anne decided it was a good idea to make the most of the solitude left before the bustle of London and the family gathering. Later she would call Mary and hear the unsolicited details on the Musgrove girls.

Mariale-26: Gracias por tus palabras, lograste el cometido de darme ánimo. No soy fiel en los detalles pero trato de serlo en la percepción que tengo de los personajes. En el caso de Frederick siento que una carrera militar en tiempos modernos no llega a representar la voluntad, el carácter decidido y el alcance de un éxito satisfactorio, así que le he sacado la vuelta. Espero te siga gustando, saludos.


	3. Chapter 3

Mr. Elliot, father of Anne, was at the end of his second week in Bath when he came to the realization that he should stay for a longer time. That was the way needs worked for him. While most people with a small, vanishing, fortune, a recently lost mortgage and still two daughters to support felt obligatory to rank any impulse or wish among their other needs and, frequently, abandon it for the sake of the most urgent obligations, Mr. Elliot was different.

He had a mechanism for convincing himself on the mandatory character of his wishes against any sense anyone, most of the time Anne, could try to induce.

Fortunately for Elizabeth, she stood at the shadow of his indulging behavior so when his father communicated her that they were to stay for more than the three weeks planned at Bath, she ensured the decision.

- I´ve been thinking the exact same thing. After all father – said Elizabeth while circulating the elegant garden of the Darlymples, - we have not been in proper vacations for more than two years. And we have still so much to do in Bath. If we leave now, it would have been better that we never came! Just to think to spend the summer at home. How depressing!

Elizabeth was right. Though they had dined in the most exclusive restaurants of the city with the Darlymples and introduced to many other families of equal pompous dignity, the evenings were mostly spent planning for the summer, encouraging Mr. Elliot to stay.

-But Elizabeth, to prolong our stay is already a fact, I have given my word to many commitments, the matter is decided. –Elizabeth giggled a little after at this words- What troubles me now is that it may not be proper to stay with the Darlymples for so long.

-Well, it is not at all proper. They had anticipated to have us for three weeks, if we extend to, how long dad? Two, three monts?

-Three as a minimum.-said Mr. Walter with a grave expression.

-If we stay for three months, we should consider…

-To rent a house.

-Yes!

-That´s just the costume for any family with dignity.

The Darlymples would have never noticed or felt troubled if they stayed for longer since the house was too large for the lady and her daughter and they were more than pleased to have someone around to impress with their possessions and number of domestics, but Mr. Walter and Elizabeth were already decided and anxious to go out and look for their summer house. Nothing would stand on the way of their plans.

It was until they became familiar with the renting prices that Mr. Walter decided to give Anne a call. It was not intended to consult her on any matter but to inform her of the consequences this sudden change of plans would have on her. According to the budget of her own design there would not be space for her fees and maintenance during the next semester.

Anne received the news in a Wednesday afternoon just two days away for the semester to be over.

- But father, in addition to more than half the budget for you and Elizabeth there was an extra amount of money planned for this stay in bath, how come you will exceed it?- asked Anne in the most calm voice she could manage.

- Because we will rent a house! How can you even think that we are to stay for the whole season with the Darlymples, for god´s sake Anne, it´s not the behavior that is expected from us. – Mr. Walter raised his voice as he always did when his indulging behavior was questioned. He soon recovered his calm, indifferent tone as if remembering the little consequence of Anne in his decisions.

- Besides it´s quite convenient, you will be free to stay at home where surely a member of the family is necessary for the house not to fall apart in the hands of the servants..

- Employees – corrected Anne exasperated.

- Eventually you can resume whatever it is that you do at school… if it is of any consequence anyway. - Anne stayed in silence for a long time, unable to elaborate any response. She knew there was not an evil intention on the man actions towards her, it was just pure and plain indifference. Though she was used to the exclusion for the strong divergence of their characters and interests, she still could not avoid to be hurt every once in a while for the lack of consideration.

Mr. Elliot filled Anne´s silence speaking of the awful places they had visited before they found a house to rent, unaware and careless of Anne´s reaction, until both stood in an awkward silence making necessary to end the call.

More than hurt, Anne was preoccupied. The budget his father despised so much was designed thinking on the pay of the debts to a very long term, leaving a more than comfortable amount to her father and Elizabeth to expend five times what Anne had for herself. She had always insisted on an effort to redirect some of her family expenses to the pay of debt but, instead, she would find the debt growing faster as a consequence of the unconscious use of credit cards.

-I cannot help it! I make enough sacrifices, just to think that all my sacrifices are not enough frightens me! what kind of life do you want us to have Anne? – was the reply in high tones of Mr. Walter every time Anne questioned him on the subject of the credit cards.

It was, undoubtedly, a straight way to the ruin and one of the reasons Anne was decided not to let school but to become someone productive and to contribute more than by making calculations and awful predictions.

It was this burden along with the loss of Frederick, more than any sleepless nights or too much indoors time as her aunt claimed, what had drained Anne´s youth and whatever beauty she once owned.

After an hour of pacing from one corner of her small room to the other, she conclude that it would be necessary to get a job, apply to some assistantship within campus, anything to exclude leaving grad school even if next proved to be a more exhaustive semester. Anne avoided any other thought on the phone call with his father and resume her reading for her next exam, recalling something, she went a few pages back on her book and read aloud some underlined words.

-"Et la solitude occupée est, je crois, la vie la plus heureuse." I´m going to have to repeat this one constantly in the future months.

/

With low spirits as a consequence of the recent news and the unsettling uncertainty of her future Anne arrived to the house of the Musgroves one rainy Saturday morning. The semester had just finished on Friday so a fraction of her melancholic looks were to blame on some sleepless nights reading for her final exams.

While walking half soaked with the poor protection of an umbrella, some of the burden loosened when she distinguished a figure on the front sidewalk of the Musgrove family. A small yellow rain suit and adult yellow boots covered a small boy holding a large umbrella. It looked as if not a single drop of rain was able to get him while looking anxiously at both sides of the street. The moment he recognized Anne, he started to walk as fast as he could with his huge boots.

- Anne!

- Charlie! What are you doing outside? the sky is falling. – in a few movements Charlie´s umbrella was covering him and his aunt, while she carried him and pulled her baggage the rest of the way to the house, ending up completely soaked with the boy´s wet suit.

- I was waiting for you.

- You could have waited inside,

- Mom said I could wait for you if I wear this – said the boy looking at his suit and raising a foot to point his boots.

- I think she trusted on your fear of looking funny in public to persuade you.

- What fear?

- Exactly!

- Anne! This mischievous boy got you all wet. – Mrs. Musgrove kissed Anne´s cheek while she revolved playfully on Charlie´s hair.

- Oh, don´t worry, there was not much left dry.

- But come in dear, you have to take a bath or you´ll fall ill. Are you not sleeping well? You look quite worn-out.

Though kindly, Mrs. Musgrove commented on Anne´s drained looks and compared it to her daughter Louisa´s freshness and energy, but Anne lacked the solemnity necessary to get so easily offended and she understood it was not intended to make her uncomfortable. So instead she chose to enjoy Mrs. Musgrove warm welcome and admire her for her devotion towards her family.

-But where is everybody? I thought there would be a full house.

-They are all out, well, except your sister who felt indisposed. - the tone of the lady was of incredulity.

-oh, then I think I´ll take the bath and then make company for Mary.- said Anne shivering with the cold water making effect.

A few minutes later Anne entered Mary´s room. Apparently, she was sleeping but as soon as Anne was close enough she started to speak.

-Well, look what the cat brought in.

-Hello Mary, how are you? – Anne inclined and kissed her.

-Well, I´m sick. What did it took you so long to come? We have been her for five days.

-My semester just finished yesterday, and I needed one night sleep… unless you wanted to receive the zombie version of me.

-Ha! You think your student life is hard, you should try a husband that´s indifferent to you and a whole family-in-law against you. –

- Mary, your husband loves you. And if he is oblivious to your needs is because you deliver them telepathically or in the form of riddles and he´s more of literal man with no supernatural powers.

-How hard is it to grasp that I need him to stay when I´m sick?

-I´m nearly sure you told him that you´ll be ok and that he was free to go, expecting the opposite, didn´t you?- Mary´s annoyed face revealed Anne was right - that is what I mean with Charles being literal.

-Anyway… I don´t get why the school stopped you from coming earlier? Elizabeth said something about you dropping last time I called.

-Did she? – said Anne bitterly.

-Well, aren´t you?

-No, I don't think so, I still have to figure some things out. But… I don´t want to think about them right now. – Anne took a deep breath – let´s talk about something else, how is Charlie doing at school? Which are the news here? – With this Mary seemed to change her mood.

- Charlie is great at school, he´s reading the books you sent him. But the news here are not from my son but from Louisa who has just finished college. – Mary seemed annoyed by something related with Louisa.

-What´s the matter?

- Henrietta is here too, but she has still one year before finishing college. Both of them here… is just too much to take, they talk endlessly about their college adventures, trips, blah blah – said Mary mocking them.

-Well they are young, they have a loving family and, as I recall, they are not senseless girls, I believed they have worked hard and gave no preoccupation to their parents so they deserve all the happiness.

-Yes, but no need to rub it on your face. As for Henrietta, I don´t know if she is so well behaved, apparently she will stay here for two weeks and the rest of the vacations with her boyfriend´s family.

-Boyfriend?

-Yes, Some Charles Hayter.

-Charles… an abundance of Charles here? But, I bet not half charming as our little one… - said Anne walking to the door. - even if he has the bad habit of spying on private conversations.

The boy was with half nose through the semi-open door. He was wearing a different outfit, but decided to keep the large boots leaving watermarks all over the place.

-Charles, what have I told you about listening behind the door, and those boots! do you pretend you grandma have me scrubbing the floor? Take them off. – Mary walked out the room vigorously to get a pair of dry shoes, forgetting completely about her illness.

- Here, put this on. - But taking off the boots proved its inefficacy with a boy who enjoys jumping in rain puddles.

- Look mom, my foot are wrinkled. Just the way they get when I stay for too long in the bath. I thought it was just with hot water. – remarked the boy unaware of the panic in his mother´s face.

-Goodness Charles, have you use been walking with the boots full of cold water the whole morning? You are getting sick! A bath immediately!

-Is something else the matter Mary – asked Anne to Mary after leaving the boy in the bathroom, she looked worried for the boy but anxious about something else.

-Yes, well I was going to tell you…today we have an invitation-

A knock in the door interrupted them, when Mary opened it, a couple of young women entered.

-Henrietta and Louisa!, my gosh look at you… you were teens last time I saw you.

- We were following Charles mud tracks, we didn´t expect you! - said Louisa hurrying to give Anne a hug.

-How are you Anne? We listened you are in grad school? –asked Henrietta while following Louisa´s hug.

-I just finished second semester. – said Anne nodding.

-I´m quite done with college for a while, perhaps later I´ll consider grad school, but for now I´ll concentrate in something different.- answered Louisa.

-Oh, yes, you looked quite concentrated today in this new interest of yours- Henrietta´s playful tone made Louisa blush and smile widely. Anne smiled not knowing exactly why, perhaps by how contagious their cheerful mood seemed to be.

-Oh, so you saw Dr. Wentworth today.- asked Mary.

- Dr. Wentworth?- asked Anne in an impulse, no longer smiling, asking herself what were the chances?

-Not exclusively Dr. Wentworth Mary, we visited and… he just… happened to be there. – Louisa delivered the last words theatrically, making Mary roll her eyes.

That was quite a confirmation for Anne. She knew Frederick´s sister had married a Mr. Croft. Could it be possible? But she needed to find out more, to know how high the danger was to meet him again. It was close to surreal the sensation of him being so close to her life after so long, a frightful surreal sensation.

-Anne you are very pale, do you want some water or, better, you should eat something. – Said Louisa worried. Anne had indeed turned white.

- I´m fine, I just- I had a lot of work these last days, I think I need to rest.

- You have to get well, we have an invitation to dine with Mrs. Croft and his husband tonight, didn´t you tell her Mary?

- She has just arrived and she was asking for my health there was not time to talk about the dinner

- Well, we should let you… both rest, we can talk later – Said Louisa taking Henrietta´s arm, incredulous on the health issues of Mary who looked quite healthy. – Anything you need Anne, just let us know.

Once they left, Anne was willing to inquire her sister on the matter but once the door was closed it was not necessary to ask Mary anything.

- I was just going to tell you about the dinner! Turns out – Mary took a seat close to Anne - Mr. Croft is an old friend of Mr. Musgrove. He´s a college Professor in the U.S. now, but is currently in a sabbatical year and has come to visit London where his brother-in-law, Dr. Frederick Wentworth is... in some sort of… what´s the word? Uhm, I don´t know whatever it is, he is in a prestigious program for neurosurgeons. And he´ll probably get a fancy, ridiculously well paid position in the near future.

Mary took a deep breath, after releasing so many words in so little time, while Anne tried also to recover her breath - and Louisa well… Louisa has put an eye on him since the very first time they met. She has not been any subtle on the matter. But you cannot blame her, though. He is handsome, very handsome indeed…-

Anne could not recover her tranquility for the whole day, after Mary´s husband arrived she left them arguing over Mary´s delusion on her husband´s indifference. She left to her room with no energy at all to use her diplomatic skills and unable to do anything else, she took her diary out of her luggage. After a while of just staring at the blank page, she started to write.

/

_I wonder for how long can a person a memory or a simple mention of a person, have such effect in another. _

_It surprises me that getting pale was the only visible sign of the internal earthquake I experienced. I hope I can conceal with the same success my reaction to any future encounter. _

_I wonder if he has heard of me, if he has been even curious to know what has happened in my life. I doubt it, because is realistic to doubt it and because, in this nearly eight years, I´ve learned to wait for the worst. Mary or Louisa would have mentioned him asking for me, but he surely did not._

_He has a life full of work, success and exciting expectations. How diminished the memory of me must be, how ridiculous to remember the amount of suffering I put him through once, such a long time ago. _

_I expect, if we ever meet, that it would be of no consequence for him. He surely would wish no to speak on the matter, perhaps is entirely forgotten. I´d be grateful if he has forgotten and treats me as someone with whom he shared an inconsequential past. If this is granted, I will just swallow any unresolved issue on him, recite all the good quotes I know on the subject of solitude and expect it to be over soon._

_For now I´m not ready to face him. I hope I´ll develop Mary´s skills on faking illness in the few hours left till the afternoon and skip the dinner tonight. For now I´m so tense I don´t have the enough calmness to be sad._

_/_

But the chance of testing her acting skills escaped Anne. Little Charles rested blushed with fever when she entered Mary´s room in the afternoon.

-He is sick Anne, I told you. – said Mary at the side of little Charles bed.

-Not so high, but still… - said Charles taking the thermometer out of the boy´s mouth.

-Well, if you want me to bring the doctor, or need anything else you call me.

-What are you saying Charles? You are leaving me alone with the child? – Charles loved Mary, but he had never understood her in the minimum.

-I supposed Anne would stay. I promised to pick up my mother and Louisa after they were done shopping and afterwards leave for dinner.

-Of course I´ll stay – said Anne already in the bed touching the hot forehead of the boy.

- And why would you not stay too? – asked Mary already angry to Charles.

- Well, what can I do by staying, if you think a doctor is needed then I´ll send for him, but me, darling, what can I do?

-Nothing, nothing! Go for your mother and have fun, I don´t feel quite well myself but sure, why would it bother you to leave us at the care of Anne.

-A stronger reason to call the doctor, he should see for both of you – ignorant as he was of his wife true wishes, Charles frequently ended up provoking Mary even more.

- Charles! I can´t believe it! You have….- Mary started in a high voice

- I can take care of Charlie, you need not to worry on the matter. – said Anne in a clear voice.

Both remained silence, thanked Anne in a somehow awkward way and left the room, finally allowing some peace for the poor boy.

-How are you feeling my boy? See? You should have waited for me inside.

- I feel… dizzy.- he said weakly.

The boy slept the whole afternoon while the house was filled with the bustle of the ladies getting ready and the men hurrying them.

In the meantime Anne was occupied in failing to read a book. Just before they left, Louisa and Henrietta entered the room in silence to see how the boy was doing. Louisa looked beautiful, there was not an excessive care on her general presentation but there was something about her, perhaps the energy and freshness her mother had talked about and Anne had not noticed before with the impact of the news.

Finally Anne was left alone with the boy and her anxious thoughts on the jokes Henrietta had made about Louisa and Frederick.

About two hours after everybody left, the boy woke up, still weak but without any fever. Anne took a place in the bed at the side of him

-How are you feeling?

- Still dizzy, but better.

- Do you need anything?

- A hot chocolate?

- I´m sorry, milk is not a good idea. But you should drink some juice or water… I supposed you don´t fancy a chamomile tea? – The boy made a face of rejection at the mention of the tea.

- Juice it will be.

- I´ve read the books you sent me – he said when an orange juice was on his hands.

-All of them?

-All but two,

- Let me guess one, Alice in Wonderland?

- It´s weird, it gave me a headache.

- A shame, I cannot finish it myself, the plan was to trick you into telling me the end… Had I achieved my plan – said Anne faking melancholy – I would have sent you Ulysses next.

- Ulysses?

- A book by James Joyce I fail miserably to read.

- Well, for Alice there is at least the movie.

-And you think the movie is any less weird? –the boy made the same face that he did for the tea.

- The other is book Peter Pan, I have just started reading it. I like it very much but it looks very old… and is underlined everywhere.

- Old! Oh you hurt me… it´s seven years younger than me, the paper at least, the story is more than a hundred years old. My mom gave it to me when I was seven, just like you.

- And you gave it to me?

- Yes, I did.

- Are you not going to wait until you have your own children?

- No, I´m not going to wait for that.

- Ok… I will give it to them when you have them - said the boy playing with Anne´s dark hair - but someone should give me a cousin soon, there are no children to play with in this vacations.

- What do you say… if we continue to read Peter Pan until you sleep again? And if you are healthy enough tomorrow or the day after tomorrow, I´ll make you chocolate and pancakes.

- I think you are very nice.

- I know. Don´t I make up for the absent cousins?

- You do… - the book is in my room.

- What chapter?- asked Anne with the book already in her hands.

- Chapter three… when Peter is pulling Wendy to the window… there- The boy pointed a line, and Anne continued to read:

/

_"Let me go!" she ordered him._

_"Wendy, do come with me and tell the other boys."_

_Of course she was very pleased to be asked, but she said, "Oh dear, I can't. Think of mummy! Besides, I can't fly."_

_"I'll teach you."_

_"Oh, how lovely to fly."_

_"I'll teach you how to jump on the wind's back, and then away we go."_

_"Oo!" she exclaimed rapturously._

_"Wendy, Wendy, when you are sleeping in your silly bed you might be flying about with me saying funny things to the stars."_

_"Oo!"_

_"And, Wendy, there are mermaids."_

_/_

Anne woke up, it took her a while to remember where she was. The opened window let in a gray light, was it morning light? Anne could not know, the sky was still deeply covered in gray clouds. His nephew was no longer with her, just the open book at the beginning of chapter six where he had fallen asleep last night. She went to her room to wash her face and teeth and then left to look for Mary, or anyone.

No one seemed to be around, not a sound in the hallway that joined the doors to every bedroom. No one in the kitchen or living room, she looked for a clock with no idea of the time. Still feeling asleep in spite of the cold water she had used to wash her face, her brain was having revenge for the many sleepless nights of the past week.

She was a strange state where the burdens and worries of the fully awaken person have still their weight but are numbed, far from the conscious mind. What the conscious Anne demanded was to know the time of the day, finally, a clock in the living room marked five minutes after nine.

The first noise came from the backyard; she walked looking for the back door. The house was definitely bigger than it appeared to be. Everyone seemed to be outside, a combination of voices in different conversation contrasting with the previous silence.

She opened the door, underestimating the gray light now hurting her eyes, there was a table about five meters away where Mr. and Mrs. Musgrove were having breakfast.

-Anne! Come and have breakfast with us! - The familiar voice of Mrs. Musgrove said and Anne walked towards the table. But a voice in her left stopped her, it was Mary taking her arm.

-But first Anne, meet Dr. Frederick Wentworth- She saw him right after she saw Mary, standing at the side of Louisa and Henrietta.

- This is my sister Anne. – he saw her, nodded and looked directly at Mary and never back to Anne.

- We are acquainted-

He was there for another few seconds that ended with Charles appearing, Anne did not know from where, and both men leaving. The numbed feelings asleep from the night came back along with some others that had been numbed for years.

- Anne, you should put something more on, it´s freezing.- said Mary.

Anne, now fully awake, realized she was shivering and thanked for the cold to blame.

/

* " And a busy solitude is, I believe, the happiest of all lives" The correspondence of Voltaire with the King of Prussia.

/


End file.
